Thursday, August 20, 2009

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the

colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one

point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,

reassuring and patient manner.I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, =

because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a

prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large

enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say

that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's

enemies


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being

nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that

day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with

less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of

powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with

lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is

about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes

about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like

a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a

great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery

bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,

but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the

MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you

wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much

confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink

another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your

bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have

not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing

occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I

spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like

that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood

and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led

me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a

little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you

put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually

naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left

hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I

was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in

their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I

pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to

the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You

would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,

where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not

see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there

somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began

hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that

could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had

to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading

for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because

I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was

yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next

moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt

excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all

over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been

prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were

quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual

comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was

performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Quotes


Strange Robert Orben Quotes:

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Webster's NEW AGE Dictionary


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character line

Friday, July 31, 2009

Brings a tear to your eye

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex,
she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she
seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, '
Why do you love doing that?'

"Because," she replied, "I miss mine."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall
is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've
been to confession, but I must first say that the
confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.



The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.



The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Three Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, ' So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it.. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too,' the dejected yellow Lab said. The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you in here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see ... Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.'

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab said ... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!'